The Weight of My Race

I recently attended a community meeting that opened my eyes to a sad reality. Attending public meetings is something I do on a regular basis through my job. I was one of a handful of African Americans in attendance, this too was routine for me so it didn't bother me. The meeting changed from routine when half-way through the presentation an African American man made his way to the front of the audience, about two rows in front of me so I had a clear view of everything he did. Someone entering an event late in itself is not a problem, but it does become problematic when that persons arrival causes unnecessary disruption. Specifically, this man rudely crossed someone to get to a seat and began indiscretly talking in a very deep voice as the presenter was still trying to give his presentation. I guess this would have been okay if he would have quickly settled down, but this man continued to rudly talk trying to inappropriately ask questions and getting indignant when kindly asked to be quiet.

My attention went to this man and stayed on him because I felt embarassed by his actions. As an African American, I felt embarassed by the actions of another African American in a room filled with predominately Whites. Why is it that I had to take on the weight of his actions? If we were White, would I have felt embarassed and taken his actions as a personal reflection on our community?

I continued to stare at him hoping that I could make eye contact with him and somehow convince him to calm down. It got to the point that I was hoping that somehow through my stares he would feel my energy and understand the signficance of his actions. His behavior was so disruptive that security was called in to monitor him. I honestly had wished they would have taken him out to end my embarassment. My reaction to this situation puzzled me to the point that I had to share the story with my mentor. She immediately assessed the situation in all her wisdom and put into words what I knew to be true but couldn't seem to come at peace with or articulate as clearly.

Most Whites have very limited exposure and involvement with African Americans; unfortunatly when they do the representation of our race is often not positive. The negative perception of us is applied to the whole as a result. In constrast, African Americans have far more exposure and involvement with Whites. As a result, we are able to see the totality of the group as opposed to just a narrow view. We are able to desern that the negative actions or views of one White does not represent the actions or views of them all. But this is not the same for most Whites. If they see one African American acting rude and disorderly, this becomes their default view of all African Americans. This is a sad, but true reality.